Picking up the pieces

Last Wednesday, on June 25th, I received a pet scan, one year after SCT, and the results were shocking.

 My oncologist revealed that I have two spots in my chest that are lighting up pet scan positive, meaning cancer. 

I can't believe that this is happening again! Just when I'm feeling better, I'm getting my life back together again, it hit me like a ton of bricks!

The image that is constantly in my mind is this ultra intense green. The cancer in my chest resembles this toxic green waste. I can't get it out! It's like a demon possessed twin, that thrives on making me miserable!! I have dreams that I rip open my chest and literally pull this creature out! I want it gone!

It's so hard to know that something foreign is in your body and you can't do much about it. I really do not want to do more treatment. It has taken it's toll on me! I'm going through menopause because of my stem cell transplant. I have intense headaches a lot. Dreams have been shattered. My lungs are shot, they are not what they used to be. It's hard for me to breathe at times, and I know I'm really susceptible to getting sick after chemo now. 

I'm going to try to do everything in my power to stop the growth of these tumors in my chest. I'm praying to God every day that he stops this. That he relieves my anxiety and the fear, that I'm going to have to go through another battle. I hope to just continue with my life and move forward. 

I'm now waiting on a pulmonary doctor to see if the tumor is large enough to get a biopsy off of. The doctor wants to make sure it's still Hodgkins  lymphoma. If it's not large enough to be biopsied I will have to wait a few months to see if it has grown or not. I'm praying so hard that it will not grow any larger! 

I know God has a plan for me and this just might be part of it but I'm so done with cancer!

I'm not going to give up! I'm going to put together my shattered pieces and keep going. I'm going to continue to live my life. I'm going to continue to fight this. I'm going to continue to be the person that I am now. I'm going to continue to trust that I am worthy of being healthy!

My Testimony

A year ago, on April 20th, I was feeling defeated and lost. All the chemo, and different regimens that I had had for the last year and a half weren't working. I felt like I didn't have any hope left. The feeling of a dark cloud that followed me everywhere was very overwhelming! I was home alone all day and was crying endlessly. All of a sudden I got on my knees and cried out loud. 

"If there is a God, please help me! Give me a sign that I will be ok!"

I had never begged like that before. And I didn't even consider myself a believer at all. My whole life I thought I knew that there was no God. I'm not even certain why I cried out for him. I calmed down and put my broken pieces back together as best I could. 

Literally hours later, that sign I asked for happened! I wept at the occurrence and the fact that WOW I can't believe that just happened! From that moment on I prayed. My chemo actually started working! And miracles have happened! 

I know I'm only living and here because of my faith in God! 

If it weren't for my trials of cancer I'm not sure if I would be where I am today. So I'm actually grateful that I had to go through that journey so that I can have a relationship with The Lord!

He has been answering prayers ever since! And I sincerely love my life and all the people He has brought into it!

Update Day +260

I haven't blogged in a while. I guess because I've been at a loss for words these past few months. Or maybe I just don't have the right definitive words to describe how I've been feeling. Ill try my best to explain. 

From being hit by pneumonia twice, (the first time being so incredibly scary) my breathing was very short and I hardly could walk down the block without feeling like I just ran a marathon! This was the most difficult thing because all I wanted to do was to just get in shape and be active! It took me months and months to finally get my breathing somewhat normal and under control. I still get pain in my lungs if I push myself hard, but I also feel that's why I've been getting better, because I have been pushing myself harder than before. It feels great to finally see some results! 

I still need lots of rest! I feel like some days I could sleep all day, and sometimes I do! Haha! But my body is still pretty weak from all it has been through! I think back at what my body has endured, and it's just crazy to think that I survived that! Amazing! 

It is so hard for me to talk about cancer now. It used to be easy for me to share my thoughts about it. But i guess now i suffer from a litlle PTSD. I get anxiety when I have to go back to the hospital where I had many traumatic things happen. And when I'm asked questions about my experience or start talking about cancer in other people, I get sick to my stomach and that "metallic", nasty taste overwhelms my mouth. I hope this will one day subdue. 

I thank my creator every day that he gave me the strength and endurance and the will to keep going! I know deep inside if it weren't for him I would be a lot worse, or possibly dead. I definitely wouldn't have been as happy as I am now! I thank my lucky stars for all my family and my fiancé who has been there for me through thick and thin! My fiancé and I have only been together 7 years, but we've gone through more trials than a normal couple will in their lifetime! I'm glad we got it out of the way now rather than later anyway! 

I do have some rather annoying side effects, other than the restricted breathing and fatigue, I now get headaches all the time! Everyday I wake up with a slight headache and sometimes they turn into horrible migraines! I lose my vision, puke, and sometimes my left arm goes numb. It's a horrible experience. I also have become intolerant of avocado. It triggers a migraine right away. I have always loved avocado, so this was awful to find out I can't eat it anymore. 

Other than the headaches and fatigue I feel pretty good! I'm totally off all medications, and now take a lot of different types of vitamins and supplements, which help a lot. I try to exercise as much as I can, and I'm even attempting a 5k in May! I also will be going rock climbing in Colorado soon too! Life is great! 

My hair is growing back with these intense curls! Totally opposite of what I used to have! It's out of control!

This June will be my 1year Re-birthday! That's one year since transplant! The time is flying by! I will also get a scan around that time and I know I still will be cancer FREE!