Picking up the pieces

Last Wednesday, on June 25th, I received a pet scan, one year after SCT, and the results were shocking.

 My oncologist revealed that I have two spots in my chest that are lighting up pet scan positive, meaning cancer. 

I can't believe that this is happening again! Just when I'm feeling better, I'm getting my life back together again, it hit me like a ton of bricks!

The image that is constantly in my mind is this ultra intense green. The cancer in my chest resembles this toxic green waste. I can't get it out! It's like a demon possessed twin, that thrives on making me miserable!! I have dreams that I rip open my chest and literally pull this creature out! I want it gone!

It's so hard to know that something foreign is in your body and you can't do much about it. I really do not want to do more treatment. It has taken it's toll on me! I'm going through menopause because of my stem cell transplant. I have intense headaches a lot. Dreams have been shattered. My lungs are shot, they are not what they used to be. It's hard for me to breathe at times, and I know I'm really susceptible to getting sick after chemo now. 

I'm going to try to do everything in my power to stop the growth of these tumors in my chest. I'm praying to God every day that he stops this. That he relieves my anxiety and the fear, that I'm going to have to go through another battle. I hope to just continue with my life and move forward. 

I'm now waiting on a pulmonary doctor to see if the tumor is large enough to get a biopsy off of. The doctor wants to make sure it's still Hodgkins  lymphoma. If it's not large enough to be biopsied I will have to wait a few months to see if it has grown or not. I'm praying so hard that it will not grow any larger! 

I know God has a plan for me and this just might be part of it but I'm so done with cancer!

I'm not going to give up! I'm going to put together my shattered pieces and keep going. I'm going to continue to live my life. I'm going to continue to fight this. I'm going to continue to be the person that I am now. I'm going to continue to trust that I am worthy of being healthy!

My Testimony

A year ago, on April 20th, I was feeling defeated and lost. All the chemo, and different regimens that I had had for the last year and a half weren't working. I felt like I didn't have any hope left. The feeling of a dark cloud that followed me everywhere was very overwhelming! I was home alone all day and was crying endlessly. All of a sudden I got on my knees and cried out loud. 

"If there is a God, please help me! Give me a sign that I will be ok!"

I had never begged like that before. And I didn't even consider myself a believer at all. My whole life I thought I knew that there was no God. I'm not even certain why I cried out for him. I calmed down and put my broken pieces back together as best I could. 

Literally hours later, that sign I asked for happened! I wept at the occurrence and the fact that WOW I can't believe that just happened! From that moment on I prayed. My chemo actually started working! And miracles have happened! 

I know I'm only living and here because of my faith in God! 

If it weren't for my trials of cancer I'm not sure if I would be where I am today. So I'm actually grateful that I had to go through that journey so that I can have a relationship with The Lord!

He has been answering prayers ever since! And I sincerely love my life and all the people He has brought into it!

Update Day +260

I haven't blogged in a while. I guess because I've been at a loss for words these past few months. Or maybe I just don't have the right definitive words to describe how I've been feeling. Ill try my best to explain. 

From being hit by pneumonia twice, (the first time being so incredibly scary) my breathing was very short and I hardly could walk down the block without feeling like I just ran a marathon! This was the most difficult thing because all I wanted to do was to just get in shape and be active! It took me months and months to finally get my breathing somewhat normal and under control. I still get pain in my lungs if I push myself hard, but I also feel that's why I've been getting better, because I have been pushing myself harder than before. It feels great to finally see some results! 

I still need lots of rest! I feel like some days I could sleep all day, and sometimes I do! Haha! But my body is still pretty weak from all it has been through! I think back at what my body has endured, and it's just crazy to think that I survived that! Amazing! 

It is so hard for me to talk about cancer now. It used to be easy for me to share my thoughts about it. But i guess now i suffer from a litlle PTSD. I get anxiety when I have to go back to the hospital where I had many traumatic things happen. And when I'm asked questions about my experience or start talking about cancer in other people, I get sick to my stomach and that "metallic", nasty taste overwhelms my mouth. I hope this will one day subdue. 

I thank my creator every day that he gave me the strength and endurance and the will to keep going! I know deep inside if it weren't for him I would be a lot worse, or possibly dead. I definitely wouldn't have been as happy as I am now! I thank my lucky stars for all my family and my fiancé who has been there for me through thick and thin! My fiancé and I have only been together 7 years, but we've gone through more trials than a normal couple will in their lifetime! I'm glad we got it out of the way now rather than later anyway! 

I do have some rather annoying side effects, other than the restricted breathing and fatigue, I now get headaches all the time! Everyday I wake up with a slight headache and sometimes they turn into horrible migraines! I lose my vision, puke, and sometimes my left arm goes numb. It's a horrible experience. I also have become intolerant of avocado. It triggers a migraine right away. I have always loved avocado, so this was awful to find out I can't eat it anymore. 

Other than the headaches and fatigue I feel pretty good! I'm totally off all medications, and now take a lot of different types of vitamins and supplements, which help a lot. I try to exercise as much as I can, and I'm even attempting a 5k in May! I also will be going rock climbing in Colorado soon too! Life is great! 

My hair is growing back with these intense curls! Totally opposite of what I used to have! It's out of control!

This June will be my 1year Re-birthday! That's one year since transplant! The time is flying by! I will also get a scan around that time and I know I still will be cancer FREE! 

Trying to achieve the "new normal"

After a pretty traumatic experience at UCSF, both times being there for three weeks at a time, and having every side effect hit me like a ton of bricks, all I longed for was to be home and to start living my normal life again. I had such high expectations for myself. I guess that was my first let down. 

Departing June 26th from the hospital was bitter sweet. Definitely more sweet, but I couldn't help but to be bombarded by all the negative thoughts that came along with the huge ordeal I just went through. 

First, I still had to pretty much be secluded and taken care of at home for about a month. I really didn't like this idea. I just wanted to focus on taking care of myself, and I felt guilty somebody else would have to step up again. 

Second, the Dr.s said it would take lots of time to heal. And to not expect to do regular energy level things for months! I couldn't believe that! I usually bounce back really quick after every chemo I've ever had. But I should have listened. They were right. Fatigue is horrible, Hot flashes make me want to kill something, and I can't handle not being able to be "normal"!

Normalcy is going to be something I'm going to have to define on my own right now. For me a good normal day, is a day I don't feel like crying or puking for that matter. A day where maybe I can go for a short walk and not be upset that I couldn't go further! I can't let other people's fun filled day ruin my day, just because I'm so jealous that they can go out and do that activity right now while the weather is warm and perfect! It's all about my perspective at the moment. But it's really getting to me. I just want energy back. 

As if these little side effects couldn't play a big enough role right now in recovering, the more concerning side effects are now coming into play. 

I'm sitting in my local hospital right now suffering from pneumonia and BCNU lung poisoning. I can barely breathe without oxygen. I've already been here a week trying to get better to go home. I've never had to be on oxygen this whole time I've been going through this Cancer shit hole I've been living through. It scares me. Will my lungs clear up well enough so that hopefully one day I can start doing the activities I want to do in the future?! Right now I just don't know. 

I do know this: I'm over Cancer and everything it has touched and consumed in my life. I need a break! I'm so tired, of being tired. I feel so much older than that of what I am! I should be laying in some sand or by a pool right now, not in another hospital bed!! I'm praying every night, for one day this will be over. I know it will happen. But hopefully sooner than later. 

For now my "new normal" is organizing the crap load of vitamins and prescriptions I take everyday and choosing a name for the oxygen tank I will be lugging around for the next few weeks at home. And trying to cope with new side effects from the extremely high dose steroids I'm now on from lung damage. Yay cancer life!

New Life

On June 7th I was admitted again at UCSF hospital to start the transplant process. The first night they told me my port was not sufficient and that I would need a PICC line. They placed the line in my right arm. It was a little unsettling because I could actually feel the tube being fed in my vein which led to the center of my chest, near my heart. 

I started the CBV chemo regimen right away. This therapy was extremely difficult. I now know why the Dr. was calling it "the Bomb"! It literally wiped me out like I was hit with one. At a few different points while getting chemo, I felt like I was crawling out of my own skin. My head felt like exploding! I got sick almost every day. It was awful. For the first time they had to give me drugs through IV to stop the pain and help me sleep a little. My counts dropped to less than zero. I was then ready to receive the transplant. 

Having my new fresh cells being placed back into my body was a very odd experience. They warned me of the "tomato soup" smell, that ended up taking over the air in my room for a few days. The process tickled my throught and I coughed a lot while each tiny bag was defrosted and placed into my PICC line. Six tiny bags, hopefully cured me that day. I now have two birthdays! My Re-Birthday is June 14th 2013. A day I will never forget. 

Picc line placed

My room

Last day of Rough chemo!!

Frozen stem cells

Defrosted cells going in

Re-Birthday

My sister and I celebrating 

Pinch me, I must be dreaming! Remission?!!

Two weeks after being home from my first three week stint in the hospital, the Dr.s wanted to give me a PET scan to evaluate my status thus far. Throughout my cancer journey every time I got a scan I was so incredibly nervous. I always had a negative feeling lingering in my head, that I wouldn't get the greatest news. I guess it's because I was just so used to being disappointed, and I never received good news. This time I felt powerful! I had no doubt that the scan would come back great. I knew I put in so much hard work, emotionally and physically, and so much time, that this had to be IT!! 

The scan began and I felt at peace. I said my mantra, that I was cancer free, and this time I whole heartedly knew it was true! 

A few hours after the scan I met with the Dr. 

Nonchalantly he said, " So.... your scan came back good..."

"Good? What does that mean!?!" I said. 

"Oh... Complete remission."

WHAT?! I thought, did I just hear that right? I immediately broke down in tears. I asked "are you sure?!" He showed me proof on the computer, I searched for my name first on the report. I had to make sure it was truly me they were talking about!! It was me. I couldn't believe it! REMISSION!! I had been dying to hear that word for almost two years! The feeling was overwhelming! I have been on cloud nine knowing that this treatment is working. 

I am very nervous about going back to the hospital this Friday, June 7th, for another three weeks. The treatment is going to be more intense and when I get home I need to have somebody take care of me for 24hrs and for a month! It's going to be extremely difficult, but I'm going to do it! I can finally say that I am WINNING! It feels unbelievable!!

The day I found out the amazing news! Soo happy!!

Reflecting, at my favorite place

On To Transplant

On April 26th, I received the call that I had been waiting for, for quite some time now. There was a bed open at the UCSF hospital, and I needed to come down immediately to start the process of my stem cell transplant. The feeling was bitter sweet. I was so excited that it was happening, FINALLY! But I was very scared of the unknown. Three weeks in the hospital? How would I ever get through this?

When I arrived at the hospital, large orange suitcase in tow, I met my roommate who I would be sharing a room with initially, until my counts dropped from the chemo I'd be receiving, and my immune system would be compromised. She was a very pleasant young lady and her mom was by her side. We introduced ourselves. Her name was Christina. Come to find out, we had a lot in common! My birthday is December 17th, hers is the 22nd of the same year! Her last name is Hernandez, which will one day be mine once I get married! And then we found out we have the same cancer, we are receiving the same treatment and both getting a stem cell transplant! Amazing how life brings certain people into your life, just at the right moment! Her mother, Alba, was there with us everyday. She made the days a lot easier. Since myself and my family live almost three hours from the hospital, it wasn't as easy for them to be with me a lot of the time. My sister fortunately lives in Oakland, less than 30 minutes away, so she was able to be there with me almost every day! I was so lucky and happy to have her by my side because these three weeks in the hospital were pretty rough on me. 

I started treatment (Etopocide and Cytarabine) immediately when arriving. It was 24 hours of treatment for almost five days. I did get sick a couple times while receiving chemo but nothing too horrible. I was able to walk around the "11 Long" halls and meet some amazing individuals battling for their lives! It was quite humbling!

After chemo was over, it was then I started to feel the effects. Major diarrhea, vomiting, fever, and chills! It was the worst flu like symptoms you can imagine. It had been one week exactly since arriving, when I started to feel awful. On Saturday my mom came to visit. I hadn't taken a shower yet so decided to get up since my mom was there. I bent down to reach for my clothes. I immediately felt dizzy and light headed. It was a strange feeling. So I decided to sit on the bed awhile to get grounded again. When I felt better I walked to the bathroom to get into the shower. When I shut the door I felt the feeling again. This time worse! I started to sweat purfusely, I was extremely dizzy, then it all went black. I knew I was going to possibly faint, so I opened the door and laid myself on the ground before I could fall. Luckily there was a nurse in the room. All I remember is kind of waking up and there being 10 nurses surrounding me, drenching me with cool wash cloths, and asking me if I was okay. They took my blood pressure and temperature. My pressure was extremely low and I had a 102 temp. 

Since the blackout happened and I was still having stomach cramping and uncontrollable diarea, they decided to do a CT scan on me. The results came back that I had colitis, an infection in my colon and large intestine. The Dr.s decided that I needed to spend some time in ICU, so that they could monitor me more closely. 

Going to the ICU was the scariest thing ever! The place was so chaotic! Loud noises everywhere. The sounds of numerous heart monitors going off, frightening. The area I would sleep was like being in a operating room. No privacy at all. People next to me literally dying on life support. Then the worst thing imaginable for me, NO BATHROOM! Instead a portable commode. I thought, NO WAY! At this point I had to pee so bad, and tried using it but I just could not let it flow LOL! I threw a little diva tantrum, and freaked out a bit. Ok, I freaked out a lot! My mom finally had to calm me down. Then feeling like the biggest baby, I finally peed! It was a huge achievement for me. 

I was hooked up to several machines which monitored my heart, blood pressure and oxygen levels at all times. I couldn't move a foot without help due to all the wires and cables that trapt me. So, imagine having explosive diarea and having to wait on a nurse to help you, probably every half hour. I'm not going to lie, there were accidents. It was awful. My pride was thrown out the window! But almost two days later I got to go back to a private room! Thank god!

Because I had colitis I was put on a liquid diet, jello and broth for a week. I lost 10 lbs. 

A week later, I was put back on a normal diet by this time and my counts were high enough to start the stem cell collection! FINALLY, I had reached the goal, and I was at the home stretch!

I had to have a neck catheter placed so that they could  retreive the cells. It was the the most awkward thing I've ever had done. I could barely move my neck. I felt like an alien was attached and sucking my blood. But I knew it would be out soon so I dealt with it. They started my collection later in the day. It took four hours to retreive, what I thought was enough. Since it was later in the day, the dr.s weren't able to count how many cells I put out, so they informed me that I would need to collect in the morning again just to make sure they got enough. I was heartbroken. I for sure thought I was going home! That night was the worst. I did not sleep at all. The catheter was very uncomfortable. 6:30 the next morning I started collecting again. By this time, 20 days in the hospital, I reached a breaking point. I couldn't stop crying, I was just done with being there, I needed to go home. After a trying four hours, the nurse finally said "your done with the harvest and you got approximately 15 million stem cells!!" I only needed 5 million! " yay, you get to go home!" Those words never sounded so sweet! I went home on May 16th!!

Being home is great, yet difficult at the same time. Major anxiety set in, just knowing I have to go back. Plus all the side effects that have tagged along from the chemo, like blurry vision, fatigue, nausea, and blistered hands and feet. But I did it. And I am here. 

Neck catheter

Stem cells

The machine that seperates the cells

IV's and platelets I received numerous times. 

Blisters from chemo

Getting Neupogen shots to boost my counts

One of the nicer views I had