Sunday, August 4, 2013

Trying to achieve the "new normal"

After a pretty traumatic experience at UCSF, both times being there for three weeks at a time, and having every side effect hit me like a ton of bricks, all I longed for was to be home and to start living my normal life again. I had such high expectations for myself. I guess that was my first let down. 
Departing June 26th from the hospital was bitter sweet. Definitely more sweet, but I couldn't help but to be bombarded by all the negative thoughts that came along with the huge ordeal I just went through. 
First, I still had to pretty much be secluded and taken care of at home for about a month. I really didn't like this idea. I just wanted to focus on taking care of myself, and I felt guilty somebody else would have to step up again. 
Second, the Dr.s said it would take lots of time to heal. And to not expect to do regular energy level things for months! I couldn't believe that! I usually bounce back really quick after every chemo I've ever had. But I should have listened. They were right. Fatigue is horrible, Hot flashes make me want to kill something, and I can't handle not being able to be "normal"!
Normalcy is going to be something I'm going to have to define on my own right now. For me a good normal day, is a day I don't feel like crying or puking for that matter. A day where maybe I can go for a short walk and not be upset that I couldn't go further! I can't let other people's fun filled day ruin my day, just because I'm so jealous that they can go out and do that activity right now while the weather is warm and perfect! It's all about my perspective at the moment. But it's really getting to me. I just want energy back. 
As if these little side effects couldn't play a big enough role right now in recovering, the more concerning side effects are now coming into play. 
I'm sitting in my local hospital right now suffering from pneumonia and BCNU lung poisoning. I can barely breathe without oxygen. I've already been here a week trying to get better to go home. I've never had to be on oxygen this whole time I've been going through this Cancer shit hole I've been living through. It scares me. Will my lungs clear up well enough so that hopefully one day I can start doing the activities I want to do in the future?! Right now I just don't know. 
I do know this: I'm over Cancer and everything it has touched and consumed in my life. I need a break! I'm so tired, of being tired. I feel so much older than that of what I am! I should be laying in some sand or by a pool right now, not in another hospital bed!! I'm praying every night, for one day this will be over. I know it will happen. But hopefully sooner than later. 
For now my "new normal" is organizing the crap load of vitamins and prescriptions I take everyday and choosing a name for the oxygen tank I will be lugging around for the next few weeks at home. And trying to cope with new side effects from the extremely high dose steroids I'm now on from lung damage. Yay cancer life!