Monday, September 24, 2012

Missing Out

Lately I have been feeling like I have been missing out on a lot that is happening around me. My life is consumed by this cancer and that entails waiting on Dr.s and going to appointments, stressing, worrying, and developing some bad habits. While I am doing all this it seems the world is going on without me, but why wouldn't it?
My friends are having fun going to baseball games, traveling, concerts, exercising, and doing other random things that make them happy. Although at the moment I can still go do all of these things I just feel like I'm being held back by something. My fiance is getting ready to go do a fun marathon next weekend and he has been preparing for it for about six months now. He is working hard and getting excited about it. I am very happy for him, but all I think about is wow, I wish I had something to look forward to. All I see in my future is a hospital bed. He also coaches soccer which makes him feel on top of the world, I have yet to feel like this about anything.
I guess I am just being a baby about this whole situation. When I start acting like this my biggest bad habit comes into play. When I think of being in the hospital I think of what I am going to be eating. Horrible hospital food doesn't sound desiring when you feel sick already from chemo. So I have been telling myself a lot lately that I am going to eat whatever I want right now no matter how bad it is for me, just because I will not be able to eat it for awhile. This is the worst idea ever! Food has become my go to thing to rely on when I am feeling down on myself. It makes me feel great for a split second then I realize what I am doing to myself. I am never going to get better if I keep treating myself this way. I really don't know what to do about it.

I really wish I could go back in time and fix things that were starting to unravel and I just didn't notice.
It is hard to sit and think what life is going to be like after I am done with this. I know things will never be the same. When I was younger I never would have imagined my life like this. I either thought I would be married with a beautiful family or polar opposite, traveling and seeing the world. Hopefully one day I will reach my goal, But at the moment I just feel stuck.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Receiving and Creating Love

My Fiance came up with an idea for a fundraiser two weeks ago, to benefit myself, and to help me out financially with the new treatment plan I am about to start. We held a car wash at our local Les Shwaub.
When he first presented the idea I was extremely nervous! I really wanted to do something along these lines but didn't know how to go about it. Usually I have ideas like this but are too afraid to go forward with them. I really don't like being center of attention. I get really anxious and can't keep composure and I just start to cry! Especially when I feel a lot of love, because I don't know how to handle it and have a tough time accepting love. I didn't know how the car wash was going to turn out, or who would show up, and who would help, but it was Amazing! It came together perfectly, and we were busy the whole entire time! The family, friends, and volunteers who helped were great! I don't know if I will ever be able to thank them enough! They all put so much effort and hard work into helping me!

Receiving love is a lot harder then giving love! It puts you on the spot! Most of the time I just want to push it away, it's a lot easier this way for me. When somebody is there for you when you need them it's a really great feeling, but for me I always feel horrible, like I am a burden. I have been trying to let this feeling go and just let myself receive all the love people want to give me. It is so difficult! I know though if one of my friends or family members needed me I would be there no matter what the same way they are here for me, and I wouldn't expect anything in return, maybe just a smile on their face! It feels great to Give, and I'm working on the Receiving part lol! At the car wash this weekend I felt that we created so much Love! Everybody seemed like they were having fun and they were happy. I saw a lot of hugs and smiles and that was priceless! Thank you to everyone who helped and those who donated! It means the World to me!! Thank you also for teaching me the lesson on Receiving. And one day I will help create more love for all of you!

Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Hardest Decision

Tuesday I was faced with the hardest decision of my life thus far.
Before I can start my new treatment plan, I needed to see a fertility doctor to see what my odds are for having a child in the future. The doctor was extremely nice and very informative. I felt at ease hearing that there was a chance that one day I could conceive. He then explained to me that a young woman my age who is healthy should have around twenty eggs stored in her ovaries. He gave me a ultrasound to see the damage of the chemo I had already had, and to get an estimate of my egg count.
I only had eight eggs that he could physically see. My chances then dropped even more! There is always a chance that the eggs won't survive or won't take when I am ready to have a child. The chance of having a disabled child because of the toxins in my body is there also. Then they hit me with a huge bomb!! I need to have $10,000 by next Tuesday which is one week from now. I immediately broke down. My dreams were just shattered by mere numbers, paper and statistics!
I have always known that I wanted to me a mother. To hear this news was shocking and devastating! I had to make a choice: to try and figure out the money situation and go for the procedure or let life take its course. I ultimately have decided not to continue with the fertility treatments. First I am being rushed and have no time. I have learned through this experience that when you rush things they usually don't end up great. Second, I have a slim chance that it will work because of the amount of eggs I have and the toll my body has endured through this process already. And Third, a week to receive $10.000 is crazy!! I hope that I am making the right decision and that I defy all odds! Maybe my role in life is to adopt a child in need of a great loving home. I don't know! But now I have to live with this decision for the rest of my life! It's going to be difficult to stay strong but I know I have to! I can't give up!!