Friday, June 27, 2014

Picking up the pieces

Last Wednesday, on June 25th, I received a pet scan, one year after SCT, and the results were shocking.
 My oncologist revealed that I have two spots in my chest that are lighting up pet scan positive, meaning cancer. 
I can't believe that this is happening again! Just when I'm feeling better, I'm getting my life back together again, it hit me like a ton of bricks!
The image that is constantly in my mind is this ultra intense green. The cancer in my chest resembles this toxic green waste. I can't get it out! It's like a demon possessed twin, that thrives on making me miserable!! I have dreams that I rip open my chest and literally pull this creature out! I want it gone!
It's so hard to know that something foreign is in your body and you can't do much about it. I really do not want to do more treatment. It has taken it's toll on me! I'm going through menopause because of my stem cell transplant. I have intense headaches a lot. Dreams have been shattered. My lungs are shot, they are not what they used to be. It's hard for me to breathe at times, and I know I'm really susceptible to getting sick after chemo now. 
I'm going to try to do everything in my power to stop the growth of these tumors in my chest. I'm praying to God every day that he stops this. That he relieves my anxiety and the fear, that I'm going to have to go through another battle. I hope to just continue with my life and move forward. 
I'm now waiting on a pulmonary doctor to see if the tumor is large enough to get a biopsy off of. The doctor wants to make sure it's still Hodgkins  lymphoma. If it's not large enough to be biopsied I will have to wait a few months to see if it has grown or not. I'm praying so hard that it will not grow any larger! 
I know God has a plan for me and this just might be part of it but I'm so done with cancer!
I'm not going to give up! I'm going to put together my shattered pieces and keep going. I'm going to continue to live my life. I'm going to continue to fight this. I'm going to continue to be the person that I am now. I'm going to continue to trust that I am worthy of being healthy!