Friday, April 26, 2013

Opening My Heart

Wow! Is the only word I can describe how I feel at this very moment. Three weeks ago I was a scared child, that was consumed by intense anxiety and fearful of the unknown. Deep inside I was telling myself that this transplant coming up wasn't going to work. The negativity that was pouring from my tears was eventually going to drown me! So I let it out! The pain was too much. I needed help. I asked for help, strength, wisdom, and guidance. You know what the crazy part is? I actually received it! It was the most empowering moment of my life! Knowing that I can ask the universe, creator, God, whatever it might be that you believe in and actually get an answer back, was shocking and at times hard to comprehend. I never was a "believer". But something told me to let go of the fear I had and start to believe. Especially start to believe in MYSELF! Know that I can do anything I set my mind to. Know that I am not alone. Know that I hold my own fate. Not a dr. With a book of statistics!
I feel so free! Liberated! Clear of pain. I am CURED already!! My mind isn't consumed by negativity anymore. I have a clear conscience. I'm going to keep working on myself, knowing that all these lessons I've learned throughout this journey will never end. There will always be tests and lessons to be had and learned. But now I have guidance. Man, it feels wonderful! There are miracles in this world, but we have to have an open heart! Now I can go full steam away!! And finally beat this cancer!

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Scared Straight

This is the first time writing directly from my chemo chair. Right now I'm getting my last (hopefully) dose of GND treatment.
For the last almost four months I have felt like I've been on an everlasting roller coaster of emotions, anxiety, fatigue and pain. Thus far I've tried to withhold complaining as best I can, but right now I just want this to be over!! My anxiety is at an all time high! I've never felt like this ever throughout this journey of a year and a half. It starts immediately when I wake up and doesn't subdue until I go to sleep, only to repeat the cycle of shattered nerves all over again. I suppose I'm freaking out a little about what lies ahead. Finally I'm ready for my stem cell transplant. I mean, I've been ready for this for months! Why am I getting nervous or anxious?! Maybe because its finally here! I feel like a character in an epic story, finally reaching the monster towards the end that can either make you or break you. I know I will slay this beast, but the unknown of when and how, eat at me everyday.
It comes down to a simple: I'm Scared!
I've never been this frightened of something in my life!
21 days initially in the hospital, getting a high dose chemo then the extraction of my stem cells, is not the part I'm dwelling on. It's after I go home for three weeks trying to recover and going back to the hospital and receiving 'The Bomb', (that's how the bone marrow transplant coordinator described it as) an even stronger chemo ,for another month, that I'm stressing out about! I've heard nothing nice about this part. Intense mouth sores, fatigue to the max and other complications are in store. I can't stop thinking about all the negative things that are going to happen. Why? I've been so good with my thoughts so far. But this hurdle is overwhelming. I'm not the first person to go through this procedure. So many have been through it and have conquered, so I should do the same. I know I have to, there isn't any other choice. I have to fight stronger than ever! I'm trying to prepare myself for the next part of this journey, one day at a time.