Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Same ole' song & dance......with a twist

Well, the time has come. I'm starting another round of treatment. I'm actually on the chemo throne right now. My port is accessed, and a concoction of toxins are being administered as I type. A horrible feeling is surrounding me from head to toe. It's a feeling of disbelief and disappointment. I can't really understand why I'm still here. Why I'm still on this journey. My anxiety is on another level!  But I guess it is what it is. I just have to stay strong to get through it once again. 
This morning the nurse asked if this was my first time getting treatment. I said "no, actually I've been doing this for awhile. Going on five and a half years. Three years of chemo and a two year break, now back at it."
She looked at me with a very sad face, because she couldn't believe everything I've been through while being so young. Everyone around me is over 50 at least. Some tell me, "you shouldn't be here. You don't look sick. You're too young!" I know! I feel the same way! Haha! But there's got to be a reason. I'm holding on to that. 
My son screamed as I left him with his grandma today, and I of course started crying. I don't want to be away from him. He's my everything. I have to live for him! I'm praying this treatment gets me in remission fast so I can move on to my Allogeneic transplant! Which I have found out that I will need an unrelated donor. My brother was tested and he was a 0 out of 10 match. My sister was also tested and she was a 1 out of 10. So they cannot use either as my donor. The good news is, the database holds 5,000 10 out of 10 matches for me! That is incredible! Hopefully they will find the perfect person to help me beat this once and for all!
But for now I'm doing two days a week, every three weeks with this chemotherapy. Praying so hard this is it!!