Thursday, April 4, 2013

Scared Straight

This is the first time writing directly from my chemo chair. Right now I'm getting my last (hopefully) dose of GND treatment.
For the last almost four months I have felt like I've been on an everlasting roller coaster of emotions, anxiety, fatigue and pain. Thus far I've tried to withhold complaining as best I can, but right now I just want this to be over!! My anxiety is at an all time high! I've never felt like this ever throughout this journey of a year and a half. It starts immediately when I wake up and doesn't subdue until I go to sleep, only to repeat the cycle of shattered nerves all over again. I suppose I'm freaking out a little about what lies ahead. Finally I'm ready for my stem cell transplant. I mean, I've been ready for this for months! Why am I getting nervous or anxious?! Maybe because its finally here! I feel like a character in an epic story, finally reaching the monster towards the end that can either make you or break you. I know I will slay this beast, but the unknown of when and how, eat at me everyday.
It comes down to a simple: I'm Scared!
I've never been this frightened of something in my life!
21 days initially in the hospital, getting a high dose chemo then the extraction of my stem cells, is not the part I'm dwelling on. It's after I go home for three weeks trying to recover and going back to the hospital and receiving 'The Bomb', (that's how the bone marrow transplant coordinator described it as) an even stronger chemo ,for another month, that I'm stressing out about! I've heard nothing nice about this part. Intense mouth sores, fatigue to the max and other complications are in store. I can't stop thinking about all the negative things that are going to happen. Why? I've been so good with my thoughts so far. But this hurdle is overwhelming. I'm not the first person to go through this procedure. So many have been through it and have conquered, so I should do the same. I know I have to, there isn't any other choice. I have to fight stronger than ever! I'm trying to prepare myself for the next part of this journey, one day at a time.


  1. You are so so strong and I cannot fathom going through what you are going through. Being scared and part of being brave. Don't belittle yourself for feeling scared. You have every right to feel that way. I think about you almost every day Cierra. <3 You are in my heart.

  2. Thank you yvie!! You're right I guess being scared is just part of the process! Thank you for your kind words!! <3