Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Hardest Decision

Tuesday I was faced with the hardest decision of my life thus far.
Before I can start my new treatment plan, I needed to see a fertility doctor to see what my odds are for having a child in the future. The doctor was extremely nice and very informative. I felt at ease hearing that there was a chance that one day I could conceive. He then explained to me that a young woman my age who is healthy should have around twenty eggs stored in her ovaries. He gave me a ultrasound to see the damage of the chemo I had already had, and to get an estimate of my egg count.
I only had eight eggs that he could physically see. My chances then dropped even more! There is always a chance that the eggs won't survive or won't take when I am ready to have a child. The chance of having a disabled child because of the toxins in my body is there also. Then they hit me with a huge bomb!! I need to have $10,000 by next Tuesday which is one week from now. I immediately broke down. My dreams were just shattered by mere numbers, paper and statistics!
I have always known that I wanted to me a mother. To hear this news was shocking and devastating! I had to make a choice: to try and figure out the money situation and go for the procedure or let life take its course. I ultimately have decided not to continue with the fertility treatments. First I am being rushed and have no time. I have learned through this experience that when you rush things they usually don't end up great. Second, I have a slim chance that it will work because of the amount of eggs I have and the toll my body has endured through this process already. And Third, a week to receive $10.000 is crazy!! I hope that I am making the right decision and that I defy all odds! Maybe my role in life is to adopt a child in need of a great loving home. I don't know! But now I have to live with this decision for the rest of my life! It's going to be difficult to stay strong but I know I have to! I can't give up!!


  1. When the time comes that you have an opportunity to adopt, Cierra, that child will be extremely lucky for you will be a mother who truly understands what a gift they are and what they mean to you. I am pained by this choice you had to make and wish I had the money to help you with those treatments, but I am heartened that someone as awesome as you will be an adoptive parent one day.

  2. Your courage is contagious. My thoughts & prayers are with you and your family/friends. Creator always finds a way to bring us what our souls truly desire. Maybe you are moving through this time now to become an even stronger mother than you ever dreamed possible, when you come through the other side of the healing, stronger than ever before? We move mountains when we heal ourselves. I see your little heartbeats moving mountains right alongside their mother who carries a warrior spirit. Know that you are being held & prayed for by many within an extraordinary circle of elders, brothers & your circle & beyond. With much love, Amy.
    P.S. I am in school with Batul & am loving you through her. ;)

  3. Thank you Amy! This means the world to me!!