Monday, September 24, 2012

Missing Out

Lately I have been feeling like I have been missing out on a lot that is happening around me. My life is consumed by this cancer and that entails waiting on Dr.s and going to appointments, stressing, worrying, and developing some bad habits. While I am doing all this it seems the world is going on without me, but why wouldn't it?
My friends are having fun going to baseball games, traveling, concerts, exercising, and doing other random things that make them happy. Although at the moment I can still go do all of these things I just feel like I'm being held back by something. My fiance is getting ready to go do a fun marathon next weekend and he has been preparing for it for about six months now. He is working hard and getting excited about it. I am very happy for him, but all I think about is wow, I wish I had something to look forward to. All I see in my future is a hospital bed. He also coaches soccer which makes him feel on top of the world, I have yet to feel like this about anything.
I guess I am just being a baby about this whole situation. When I start acting like this my biggest bad habit comes into play. When I think of being in the hospital I think of what I am going to be eating. Horrible hospital food doesn't sound desiring when you feel sick already from chemo. So I have been telling myself a lot lately that I am going to eat whatever I want right now no matter how bad it is for me, just because I will not be able to eat it for awhile. This is the worst idea ever! Food has become my go to thing to rely on when I am feeling down on myself. It makes me feel great for a split second then I realize what I am doing to myself. I am never going to get better if I keep treating myself this way. I really don't know what to do about it.

I really wish I could go back in time and fix things that were starting to unravel and I just didn't notice.
It is hard to sit and think what life is going to be like after I am done with this. I know things will never be the same. When I was younger I never would have imagined my life like this. I either thought I would be married with a beautiful family or polar opposite, traveling and seeing the world. Hopefully one day I will reach my goal, But at the moment I just feel stuck.


  1. Life is for living, and we can't let the depression or frustration get in the way. You have come so far, and though a new journey is ahead of you, I am surprised by your tenacity and strength through it all.
    I felt like all I had after my surgery was food. It didn't talk to me, so it was easy to just eat eat eat without having to talk about anything. I gained back half of the weight I had lost in the year before my surgery in just 2 1/2 months after the surgery. I literally thought I could just eat my way to happiness. You can't unfortunately. It just makes you more mad and frustrated in the process.
    Find a new hobby? I personally love to read, or make cards for people by hand. I also enjoy gardening-that's a new one for me. I had to find a way to think of things other than food, or my situation. If I were to dwell on it, I would eat more.
    It's ok to feel stuck, you have come so far, and aren't near the end yet-you have every right to feel anything you do along the way-just don't lose sight of the goals-because all of the things you are feeling now, will be worth it in the end. :)

  2. Thank you mandy! these are great words of encouragement! I have gained a lot of weight since i started this journey also. it's so hard to describe i am sure you can relate it seems like. when you gain weight you get sad about it but you just cant stop eating bad things or dont wanna do anything about it. its like a double negative its ridiculous! my biggest lesson in life is to not give up on things when they get hard. even if they are small things. this is so hard for me to do but i know i need to change or nothing positive will happen in life! Thank you again!!

  3. Cierra, I am grateful that you are seeing all of this since the first step in shifting something is to notice that there is something to shift. The second step is to take some sort of action no matter how small. Lately I've been in a commitment to do some sort of movement each day. Sometimes I will still go all day without doing anything physical but then right before bed I will get on the floor and do SOMETHING like 25 sit-ups. Although I know it's a small step, it feels good because I followed through with what I said I would do (which was ANYTHING physical). I also take time to remember why I made the commitment in the first place...because I know it's what is best for me and my physical and emotional health. The third most step which may be the most important, is to love yourself no matter what you are or aren't doing. It is all showing you something that is for you and your growth. xoxo

  4. Thanks Sis! I will try and start doing this!!