Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Losing IT!

When I started my previous chemo treatments they told me that my hair would definitely fall out. They almost never had seen people who kept their hair. My hair did start falling out about a month after my very first treatment of ABVD. But it only thinned a lot and didn't fall out completely. I felt extremely lucky that I didn't lose it all. My Dr. and the oncology nurses were shocked and surprised that I kept the majority of my hair.
I never experienced the outer side effects of chemo and cancer. So when others I talked to, that were going through a similar journey as I am, expressed how emotional it was to lose their hair throughout chemo and how hard it was to deal with hair loss, I felt a little sad that I couldn't relate.
I still don't really know how others feel about their experience on losing their hair because I think I am going through a whole different change.
With the new treatment plan, ICE, the nurses and Dr. assured me this time that my hair WILL fall out! I thought to myself, we'll see, because they told me that last time! But they were right! It started to fall out dramatically two weeks after my first treatment. It was definitely a little shocking and I kept thinking, how am I going to look bald? The unknown was scary for sure! When hair was eventually falling out in hand fulls and I could literally see trails of hair on the floor, I knew it was time. Time to shave it all off! My fiance' also shaves is head willingly so we already had the tools to do it.
We both went into the bathroom, I took a deep breath and started to shave my head!. Ahhhh! I couldn't believe I was actually doing it! I was frightened I was going to not like it and wish that I would have waited, but when I was done with the shaving, I felt so much BETTER! It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I felt happy and relieved in a very bizarre way.
A lot of people who I have chatted with said they started to break down and cry when their hair started to go. Or they felt like less of a person. I would feel so sad for these people, and hoped I would never feel like this when the time came.
I didn't feel any sadness when I was getting rid of my hair. I knew it was only a matter of time anyways and I was lucky I had a year of preparation already before it actually left for good! The next day though, I will admit, when Ricky, my fiance', looked at me and said, how do you like your new do?, I started to cry a little. For a split second I thought, he's not going to love me anymore because I'm bald! He re-assured me that he loves me unconditionally and he understood my feelings, which made me feel all warm and fussy inside lol!
I actually never would have thought I would say this, but I enjoy my baldness! I'm thankful that I am handling it rather well and embracing change. I do get stares and a lot of awkward moments with people, but that comes with the territory. If I was normal looking, I would probably glance at a bald chick too, and wonder what is the matter with her?!

                                               This is what I looked like before cancer.
This is what I looked like during ABVD treatment 
And this is me now during ICE treatments!


  1. Cierra,
    You always inspire me by the way you've handled every single step of this. You are truly amazing! I love you with all my everything.