Opening My Heart

Wow! Is the only word I can describe how I feel at this very moment. Three weeks ago I was a scared child, that was consumed by intense anxiety and fearful of the unknown. Deep inside I was telling myself that this transplant coming up wasn't going to work. The negativity that was pouring from my tears was eventually going to drown me! So I let it out! The pain was too much. I needed help. I asked for help, strength, wisdom, and guidance. You know what the crazy part is? I actually received it! It was the most empowering moment of my life! Knowing that I can ask the universe, creator, God, whatever it might be that you believe in and actually get an answer back, was shocking and at times hard to comprehend. I never was a "believer". But something told me to let go of the fear I had and start to believe. Especially start to believe in MYSELF! Know that I can do anything I set my mind to. Know that I am not alone. Know that I hold my own fate. Not a dr. With a book of statistics!
I feel so free! Liberated! Clear of pain. I am CURED already!! My mind isn't consumed by negativity anymore. I have a clear conscience. I'm going to keep working on myself, knowing that all these lessons I've learned throughout this journey will never end. There will always be tests and lessons to be had and learned. But now I have guidance. Man, it feels wonderful! There are miracles in this world, but we have to have an open heart! Now I can go full steam away!! And finally beat this cancer!

Scared Straight

This is the first time writing directly from my chemo chair. Right now I'm getting my last (hopefully) dose of GND treatment.
For the last almost four months I have felt like I've been on an everlasting roller coaster of emotions, anxiety, fatigue and pain. Thus far I've tried to withhold complaining as best I can, but right now I just want this to be over!! My anxiety is at an all time high! I've never felt like this ever throughout this journey of a year and a half. It starts immediately when I wake up and doesn't subdue until I go to sleep, only to repeat the cycle of shattered nerves all over again. I suppose I'm freaking out a little about what lies ahead. Finally I'm ready for my stem cell transplant. I mean, I've been ready for this for months! Why am I getting nervous or anxious?! Maybe because its finally here! I feel like a character in an epic story, finally reaching the monster towards the end that can either make you or break you. I know I will slay this beast, but the unknown of when and how, eat at me everyday.
It comes down to a simple: I'm Scared!
I've never been this frightened of something in my life!
21 days initially in the hospital, getting a high dose chemo then the extraction of my stem cells, is not the part I'm dwelling on. It's after I go home for three weeks trying to recover and going back to the hospital and receiving 'The Bomb', (that's how the bone marrow transplant coordinator described it as) an even stronger chemo ,for another month, that I'm stressing out about! I've heard nothing nice about this part. Intense mouth sores, fatigue to the max and other complications are in store. I can't stop thinking about all the negative things that are going to happen. Why? I've been so good with my thoughts so far. But this hurdle is overwhelming. I'm not the first person to go through this procedure. So many have been through it and have conquered, so I should do the same. I know I have to, there isn't any other choice. I have to fight stronger than ever! I'm trying to prepare myself for the next part of this journey, one day at a time.

Successful Donor Drive

On March 18th we held the Donor Drive! It was an absolutely amazing experience! We signed up 65 amazingly courageous people to the database! I felt so unbelievably supported and loved. It really meant so much to me that strangers, friends and family members came to the drive and signed up, to potentially save somebodies life!
Before The drive was held, I was interviewed for two local newspapers: The Ukiah Daily Journal, and The Willits News. It was scary for me to be "center of attention" but I knew I had to spread the word. Because of the efforts of my new friends through the Cancer Resource Center and myself papering the town with the flyer and spreading the word through Facebook and word of mouth, the Stem Cell/ Bone Marrow Drive was a huge success! Thank yous to everyone who came, and to BeTheMatch.org for holding the drive in our home town! I appreciate everyone! Here is the link to my BeTheMatch Page. If you know anybody who would like to sign up, its easy and Free! Save a LIFE!!

http://www.bethematchfoundation.org/site/TR?px=2318445&fr_id=1451&pg=personal


Here's some pictures and a short video of the event!

 

 
 

 

 
 

 

 
 

 

 

Front Page of the newspaper

Here are the links to the articles written about the drive and myself:
http://www.ukiahdailyjournal.com/ci_22778632/be-match-local-cancer-patient-organizes-stem-cell?IADID=Search-www.ukiahdailyjournal.com-www.ukiahdailyjournal.com

http://www.willitsnews.com/ci_22793802/willits-womoan-sees-cancer-battle-an-eye-opening


THANK YOU ALL FOR THE LOVE AND SUPPORT!!!!

From Cancer to Power

When you think of Cancer what comes to mind? I know for me before I was diagnosed, I would envision a frail, a somewhat emaciated person, hooked up to an oxygen mask, on a tiny hospital bed, swarmed with nurses and Dr.s logging their every heart beat, every minute breath. Death.
I guess I got this perception from movies and television. And in some cases we do see this in "real life". But hardly in my circumstance.
I'm HERE. I'm living. I am strong! I actually don't think I could have said these words honestly and out loud if it weren't for the 'C' word.
Before cancer I was lost. I felt unworthy, disregarded, ugly and just unloved. I never felt purpose. I always searched for what I should be doing. What was it that I was put here on earth for? That is the question that can haunt us for the rest of our lives. And it was haunting me, controlling all emotions. It never allowed me to be free, or to find myself, because I thought I would run out of time, like a character in a video game. And throughout this search I became bitter. Negativity sat on my shoulders like a talking parrot. It said whatever it wanted and didn't care about the repercussions. This negativity pushed me further away from the goal, of finding my purpose.
 I didn't know how to love whole heartily either. I thought nobody could love me with all this baggage, the turmoil I could not let down from my past and childhood. But it was me who kept digging my hole, larger and larger until my back seemed to give out! Then.....Cancer.
I really don't know how to explain it. It was the weirdest thing I can describe. Being diagnosed with cancer was the hugest blow that I have ever endured, and I have been hit with plenty that have left me shattered. If I were true to my past nature I would have let this shocker swallow me up in all the negativity surrounding it. But this was different. I cried, yes, but in a different way. I guess people describe it as an Epiphany, or the light in my brain flickering on. It took me a few days to realize I needed this. This is my chance! This is my time, my time to change. To change what I've previously only known (which is negativity), and be the person I know deep inside I am. To be the person I have always wondered about, and dreamed of being
.
I didn't know how many people out there in the world, yes the WORLD, that are here to support you.
 I barely had people to talk to before diagnosis. I was always afraid to meet new people. It was out of my comfort zone. I  felt I couldn't be myself, otherwise I would say something stupid and that would put them off. I gave up trying to make friends. I was horrible at conversation. I really had nothing positive to talk about so I wouldn't say much. I felt lonely. Not good enough.
Now that has changed! I have met (mostly electronically) the most inspirational people throughout this journey. I am part of an online support group for Lymphoma patients or caregivers. This forum has helped me gather strength when I needed it the most at times. I am so happy to have found them from the beginning of this journey! In the beginning I was the one asking questions and looking for advice. But now I feel I have taken on that role of advice giver and up lifter. It feels so great knowing I am helping somebody just by encouraging them and giving them some helpful tips.
Although I don't see many of my supporters face to face, it has been remarkable the out pour of support I get from individuals, friends that I haven't seen in years, or strangers that have heard about me! It makes me feel so loved. I have never felt important, but this is giving me a sense of being for the first time in my life!

Don't get me wrong 'C' ISN'T my best friend.
It has shattered my dreams of ever conceiving a child. Something I definitely thought was in my near future, but I now have had to come to grips that it's not. It was a very hard time for me to come to terms with this, but I am now at peace with it. I can see now, that there will be a plan for my future. But I'm not going to go back to old Cierra and try and figure it out. Not going to dwell and stress about it. Whatever happens, happens. Cancer has taught me patience.
'C' has left me heavier, 20 lbs., (AHHHH!), and has taken away my lovely hair (that I always complained about, and took for granted!). But I feel great! Surprisingly, I feel the most beautiful I have ever have! I guess a new sense of confidence is what Cancer so unselfishly gave me!
At times when I am going through treatment, I feel like a big ball of emotions. Sometimes I can't get my butt out of bed, as bad as I would like to, but I tell myself: One day this will be but a blur!
This disease has given me self worth. I am worthy of love, and success. Succeeding was always a nightmare of mine but now it seems like a pleasant dream I can fall asleep to every night!
I want to do more with my life now. Helping others is on the top of my list. Paying it forward. Being somebodies advocate, are just some things I can come up with right now.
I have hope. But the greatest thing I have gained is POWER! I have this power that is ready to be unleashed. I cant wait for my new journey to start and this one to be a memory of how strong I was.
The possibilities are endless for me after I beat this and rise to the TOP!

So now when you and even I, think of cancer, let's tune into the positive! Each person has their own journey but every one that I have encountered has changed into this remarkable person. We now have the tools and the strength to conquer whatever lies ahead!

Thank you to everyone who is a supporter of ME! Without each and every one of you I would not have changed into the amazing person I am becoming!

My Chemo Tips

I thought it would be helpful if I shared with everyone some of the remedies and tips I use when going through chemotherapy. Hopefully some of these things will be beneficial to another person undergoing treatment!

Having cancer and going through chemo is scary and can cause anxiety. I get anxiety a lot, especially the day before my chemotherapy appointment. I mentioned this to my Dr. and he prescribed me an anti-anxiety medication. I took it, and to be honest it just made it worse! So I asked my friends if they had any suggestions on what I could to take to relieve some of the stress. They told me about this: Rescue Remedy.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bach_flower_remedies

The link above will give you the ingredients in Rescue Remedy. This has helped me tremendously with anxiety! I recommend putting it in a small amount of water when taking it in this form.

Breathing techniques also help! You can start by breathing in slowly 5-10 seconds, then exhaling slowly 5-10 seconds. Repeat this numerous times and your heart rate will slow, and relief will start to set in!

When I am receiving chemo and the nurses are accessing my port, they flush it with saline. The saline is hard for me to handle. I can immediately taste it in my mouth and I don't have a great reaction to the taste. Some people don't mind this process, but for me it's one of the things I don't look forward to when receiving chemo. I discovered that sucking on a hard candy such as a Jolly Rancher, or chewing minty gum, helps mask the taste enough to get through the procedure. My nurse also suggested a sucker called Queasy Pops. They come in a lot of different flavors such as Ginger, Lemon, and Peppermint! They are excellent for relieving nausea also!

After treatment I don't feel the best. I feel extremely fatigued. I don't want to eat much and would prefer to 

just go to sleep. Something that helps me a lot with my energy levels, especially after chemo, is juicing and wheat grass! Wheat grass is high in vitamins and has numerous health benefits!

 

I usually consume 2-3 ounces every time I drink wheat grass. I was told that fifteen pounds of wheat grass is equal in overall nutritional value to 350 pounds of ordinary garden vegetables!!

Juicing fresh fruits and vegetables helps also! There are endless possible combinations that you can juice. One combo I like, and that seems to help with energy and nausea is: Carrots, Lemon, Cucumber, Apples, and the key ingredient, Ginger!

Ginger will become your best friend in your cancer experience! It certainly is mine!

To help with nausea you can consume ginger in different forms. You can juice it, gingered infused tea, or buy ginger chews which will relieve and help with nausea during treatment. Another possibility is to eat ginger snap cookies! My favorite ginger snap cookies are called SusanSnaps! They are delicious! There's an amazing story behind them also! The family that makes these cookies had been struck with lymphoma cancer  three times! 50% of the donations goes towards cancer research – genetic studies

50% of donations goes towards cancer patient gifts

For every $2.00, a gift of gingersnaps is given to cancer patients.

http://www.susansnaps.com 

                                                                            

One thing that I dread the most when receiving treatment, is the taste it leaves in your mouth after! It's a taste that I can't really describe, it's just awful! Things that I do to relieve some of the discomfort of this taste consist of, brushing my teeth numerous times a day, rinsing with baking soda water, or mouthwash. Also I use a tongue scraper routinely when brushing. It helps rid some of the nasty residue chemo leaves on your tongue! Rinsing with salt water can also help with minimizing the chances of getting mouth sores that chemo can sometimes cause. 

Basic tips to feel a little better throughout chemotherapy can also be:

• Try going for a short walk. Sometimes getting up and moving, even if you feel like you can't will make you feel better!
• Try and keep your surroundings clean and tidy. Having a clean house will brighten your mood! When using cleaning products try and use scents that put you at peace. I use a lavender infused all purpose cleaner because lavender calms the nerves and relaxes you!

• Watch a funny movie! Laughter is the BEST medicine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feel free to comment and add to this list! What helps you during Chemotherapy?

Video! Donor Drive in the Works

Sorry about the water mark across the video but i cant find a good program to upload videos! lol

Thank you for watching and all the encouragement!

The Fight Continues

Sixteen months ago I was diagnosed with Lymphoma. Time is passing by me so quickly that sometimes I forget to breathe. As shocked and petrified as I was then, I still feel the same way now.
Last Friday, January 18th, I received a PET scan to follow the three months of Brentuximab treatments. Dr.s and staff at the UCSF medical hospital had high hopes that this anti-body conjugate would put me into remission and allow me to have my stem-cell transplant I desperately need.
There is something us cancer patients came up with, a term to define all the stress and anxiety one feels before a scan: Scanxiety. It consists of: heart racing, headaches, clenched jaw, uncontrollable crying at times, leg shaking, rude outbursts and other annoying unsettling things your mind comes up with. I had a lot of scanxiety leading up to my PET scan. It truly is an awful feeling not knowing what the outcome will be. Although I have never had a clear scan before, something in my mind kept telling me that this was it! This was going to be the one to tell me good news! As I lay in the tube motionless, I kept repeating my positive mantras in my head: I am cancer free, I am healthy, I am strong!! I felt so wonderful this time around. There was no doubt in my mind that I did do everything possible to rid my body of this cancer!
Yesterday was my appointment for my results. I couldn't help but to cry most of the day leading up to the appointment. I then started to doubt myself, thinking the 'what if's'. Finally the time came. The Dr. said this: Well, you didn't have the results we were looking for but you did show some improvement of 40%.
 UGHHHH! I just wanted to scream, run down the hall way, down the street, get into my car and drive, never coming back! Instead I cried while listening to what they want to do next.
More chemotherapy! Three more months of intense treatment that could cause heart issues is all I heard at first. Then they dropped me with another bomb! I now no longer qualify for Autologous transplant, where they use my own stem cells. I now need a donor for a Allogeneic transplant. They explained that because I have not reacted well so far to anything they have thrown at me, my cancer has become persistent and stubborn, and if they were to go ahead and use my own cells I most likely would relapse soon after it was done, because my immune system is not as strong as they would like it to be. I sort of giggled when they said 'persistent and stubborn' because it sort of was like karma just hit me in the head and said "see!! that's what happens when you are stubborn in life!"
So now I need a donor. I only have one full brother that can potentially be a match, Jacob. He is my life line right now. They will test him with a simple blood draw to see if his tissue and cells match mine. I am hoping it will be easy and he will be my match. If he isn't then we will have to search for a match throughout the world.
I am trying to stay as positive as I can and thinking of the good things that are going to come about. I want to make it my mission and inform people that there are thousands of patients needing help! Not only can you donate blood or organs, you can also donate stem cells and bone marrow to save a life!
In the mean time I will be staying on track with eating healthier, exercising as much as I am able, practicing being in the moment, extreme patience and letting go of fear, and of course undergoing more chemotherapy! The fight continues!!